Here I sit, on a Sunday afternoon. I am stewing in my own self pity, again. I am so sick of being fat, I say it over, and over, and over again. Each time I feel like this I say to myself, 'this is IT! I am done with being fat! I am tired of being miserable and unhappy with myself!' I also vow to NEVER eat another harmful or fattening thing and SWEAR to drink water only. Then the next day I find myself unable to make it through the day without that Moutain Dew or without that chocolate. My excuse everytime is, 'oh well I DESERVE it today, it's been a hard day,' or 'I'll start tomorrow with eating right, I just NEED this right now.' Seriously? I DESERVE to be fat? Well let me answer that, NO, NO, NO, I do NOT deserve to be fat! I am a great person and have a great family, I am a child of God! These so called 'rewards' are actually some sick form of punishment.
So why am I writing this post? Well I am not sure actually. Maybe it's because I need to get this out and make it known, being fat is a daily struggle. Maybe I need for this to be IT, you know, my out to being fat. Maybe this is going to be the last straw, the thing that pushes me over the edge, and makes me actually do the things I have promised myself so many times in the past. Maybe my Creator, my God, is going to use my struggle and this blog as a way to help many, many more. (this is what I pray as I am writing this)
Also, if you are wondering why I am writing this now, let me tell you about my weekend. It started Friday night when I went to a friends graduation reception. First came the getting ready for it. Of course I have no 'cute' clothes so I donned my only pair of black pants and a random polo. I didn't even look in the mirrior before I left, besides, I knew it didn't look good, how could it? I'm fat. So when we got there I walked in, talked a bit, then sat down to eat with my daughter. The entire time I was getting our food and while I was eating, I felt like people kept looking at me with judging eyes, wondering why I was even eating. I felt as if every bite I took someone saw me and said 'come on lady, just stop'. The sad thing was, I didn't even eat very much. So then we went home. Saturday, I donned the same pair of black pants and a different shirt. Again, not looking in the mirrior. My daughter and I then went to the same friend's nursing pinning. Of course, by the time I left, I had sweated off all of my makeup that I put on. My thought was, 'why even try, you can't make fat pretty'. Then Saturday night we went to my cousins dance recital...ahh the dreaded stadium seating. I know you 'skinny' people hate sitting beside a fat person, but guess what, us fat people hate sitting there PERIOD! I feel absolutely terrible when I go to something that has seats that can't be moved. I hate 'spilling' over onto someone else's seat. I feel as though again, everyone is watching me and wondering when I am going to move.
So that was my weekend in a nutshell. I hope I didn't bore you all too much. I just felt the need to let this all out. I wanted you all to know how it feels to be fat. If you are fat like me, I pray for you, I pray that you don't feel the way I do. I pray that God heals us and helps us change our brains and our habits. I pray that I can do this, I know that I can with God's help.
Now, I know this was a lot to take in and I hope you made it all the way through. But I do ask that you remember, I am broken, this is me, raw. I know that this isn't every fat chick's reality...but it is mine. With that said, I welcome comments. I would love to hear what you all have to say! If you don't comment here you can message me on facebook with your comments. If you arent my friend on facebook yet you can add me at www.facebook.com/inspiredbygrace Thanks so much! Much Love!
"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Philippians 4:13
The fat chick,
KT
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I love you no matter what you or anyone else thinks about your body. Is it healthy to be fat...NO...is everyone skinny...no, television and magazines portray everyone as skinny, unless they are fat, then they are the joke of the day! Life isn't fair and there is no way to win, as long as you are happy, that is all that matters! But to those who are trying to lose weight the best piece of advice that I can offer is to stop eating all the junk, it is everywhere and impossible to avoid, so when you see mcdonalds around that corner, look away and picture yourself 600 pounds trying to even stand up. And find a work out buddy who is a bit thinner than yourself, when they do that extra mile, you'll want to also! You have to want to be thinner, more than you want that chocolate or hamburger and fries. :)
ReplyDeleteYou posted one of my favorite Bible verses and I quote it often. I'm looking forward to more of your blogs and wishing you the best when it comes to losing weight. I weigh 337 pounds! That isn't a typo either. Let's lose some pounds together. I'm sick and tired of being a fat chick too...obesity is surely killing me.
ReplyDeleteGrace
When you're ready to truly see yourself and allow yourself to be, you'll shed the pounds that represent your armor...keeping the world and the hurts you feel it holds at bay. No matter what we've created out of fear or to serve as a self-protection mechanism, you can liberate yourself at any given moment. Sometimes we learn from a young age how to disrespect ourselves from other souls just trying to find their way, albeit inadequate to mold the mind and life of an innocent child. Everything in life is a choice. We have to make a concerted effort to do differently, to believe differently, to in turn act differently. We are all different, and our individual breaking points arrive at different intervals and times in our lives. It's taken every single thing in your life up to this point to arrive at this moment...now what are you going to do about it today? Act, do, but most importantly love yourself along the way. No matter what, always love yourself and accpet the choices you make. We are here to learn, to live, to love. Learn to love yourself from the inside out then allow the beautiful person you are to come through. Don't fear you'll never be good enough, because you're already more than any of us could ever imagine. We are our only limitation. Take a stand for yourself, and learn to love that beautiful woman you see in the mirror every single day. Whether you look into it (the mirror) or not, it's up to you to heal that little girl still wanting to be loved, accepted, and protected in order to allow the woman to live her life unhindered. You can do it Kristin, and we're all here for you every step of the way. It's life, and you are so worth living it to its fullest. Enjoy the journey, it holds the greatest messages.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing your heart. You and I are alike in many ways. It's an inpirarion just to know that I am not alone in my struggles. Thank you!!
ReplyDeleteEmily