Finally!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wow.  Yeah that's it, just wow.  It has happened for me.  All this time I have heard people talking about their 'aha' moment.  Well let me tell you a little secret, everytime I have broken down I thought I was having my 'aha' moment.  Every time I have cried and prayed and asked God to please help me overcome this, I have thought that was it.  I mean, afterall, I was asking God, my totally awesome God to take it over and make it his.  How could that not be my moment?  Well God had bigger things in store for me!  Of course he did and does!  Let me tell you about my 'aha' moment!

Okay...so last night and tonight I watched the first three episodes of the new show, 'Losing it with Jillian'.  (which by the way is AMAZING!)  As I watched these shows I thought to myself, 'I don't have what these people have, I don't know why I keep sabotaging myself and keep gaining weight.  I have had a fabulous life and been blessed with wonderful people in my life.  I just don't have the emotional ties to weight like these people do.'   There is one episode in particular (the third one) where a girl named Rachel reminded me of myself.  She was 25 and had failed nursing school.  She said she didn't know why she had failed but that she doesn't give things her all because she is afraid of failure.  Ding ding ding!  duh...so am I.  So this got me to thinking about my fear of failure. 

I was just lying here in bed thinking about why I am afraid of failure and the problems it has caused.  Another way I could explain my fear is the need to be perfect.  I feel like if I am going to do something I should be perfect at it, the best, no exceptions.  I have went through my adult life just being lackluster, giving minimal effort and just skimming by.  And you want to know why...because I am afraid if I give something my all it may not be good enough.  So, why do I feel this way?  Well I bet if you ask my dad he will give you some crazy answer as to why I feel this way.  In all reality I feel this way because it's the way my dad made me feel when I was younger.  I know all parents want is the best for their kids.    But really and truly forcing your kids to be the best at everything or perfect isn't going to make them any better.  Now let me explain.  I do believe in helping your kids excel and get better, but when they are giving it everything they have at the end of the day you should let them know you are proud of them.  At the end of my days my dad would just tell me the things I did wrong and tell me that it wasn't good enough.  As a child you aim to please your parents and make them proud.  Whenever I was doing my best and it wasn't good enough I felt I could never make my dad proud.  So what did I do?  I gave up.  I gave up on everything.  I mean, why not?  Why try your hardest at something and still 'fail'?  Now I wasn't actually failing, just in my father's eyes.  But at the time I couldn't see that.  Actually, I haven't been able to see that until TONIGHT! 

From the time I was in elementary school until now, (about 16 years) I have felt like my best wasn't good enough.  That I shouldn't even try, because if I did I would fail.  I have felt like if you aren't perfect, you aren't good enough.  Well today I also was at a pool party.  Yes me, a fat chick at a pool party.  There were tons of people there.  I noticed several things.  I notice that even the 'skinny' chicks aren't perfect.  They aren't human barbie's running around in their bathing suits.  They have a little 'extra' in some areas and yet they were completely okay with running around the pool all day just in their suits! (and if you are one of those skinny chicks, thank you...thank you for not being barbies and showing me that I don't have to be!  You are beautiful people!)  What a novel idea...being comfortable in your own skin and not having to reach for a towel as you get out of the pool and never taking it off.  It made me realize, that when I am losing weight, my body doesn't have to be perfect.  It doesn't have to be free of lumps and bumps.  I just have to be comfortable with myself and where I am right then.  My God made me just the way I am...and for good reasons!  He made me PERFECT! 

NO MORE TRYING...'Trying is planning to fail.' Jillian Michaels.  I am perfect already so no need to strive for perfection.  I am going to lose weight, because that's what I want.  I don't have to lose it perfectly, or more importantly, I don't have to look like Barbie when I'm at my goal.  I just have to look like ME! 

So, this was my 'aha' moment.  I hope you all enjoy reading my blog.  I hope and pray that if you are a fat chick like me you will have your 'aha' moment soon.

MUCH LOVE!
The Fat Chick
KT

p.s.  just for your info...I love my dad.  He is who he is.  I know that God is working on him too!